I've been to California a few times in the past 4 years and this is usually the part of the trip i start thinking hardcore about my life, who I am and where I'm going. I think about the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. I'm not married and I don't have kids so there's literally nothing holding me back from whatever I want do, whenever I want to do it. Right now, especially, that thought has pervades most of what cycles through my head. I think about "home" and what that actually is. At least, a home outside of Heaven. I know I'm an alien here. But while I'm here, I think about it. Is it home because that's where my family is? Where my stuff is? My job? My church? I still really figured it out yet. At least to a point where I'm satisfied with the answer. Don't get me wrong, I have a million ideas of what home is. But that's just it. They're ideas. I don't have anything concrete.
In 2008 I read a book that shook me to my core. "Into The Wild". It's about a man who sells his stuff, packs what he has left and hits the road in search of something that he feels is real. I've often felt like doing something like that. I've even thought about what my life would look like if I had went to the extent that Alex Supertramp went to and became a homeless vagabond. Don't worry, I'm not actually going to do that. I feel like it's a healthy way for me to process life, though. I've always had a sense of wonder and amazement and I feel like if I did something like that, I would really see America and really see me. More importantly, I would see God. More than I already have. I would basically be living a life on nothing but faith. Faith in that He would provide food and shelter. Faith in Him providing the basic things we take for granted.
I want to experience the world. I want to experience me. I want to experience God. I want to physically feel God moving across my body like driving down an open interstate that hugs the coast with the top down and Springsteen on loop. I want a life that makes God laugh with pure joy because I'm doing exactly what He intended for me, specifically, to do. I want to die completely and totally empty to the world.
For a few years now I've had a reoccurring dream that I could fly. I could fly anywhere at any speed i wanted to. One of the last dreams like that I had, I was walking, I stopped and put my foot up like I was about to walk up a staircase. And I kept going. I was was walking up stairs that weren't visibly there, but they WERE there. They held me up and even though I couldn't see them, I knew they were there and i kept going. I don't remember making it to the top, but that doesn't matter to me.
I've always waned to fly for real. Just pick myself up and fly. I know this body isn't capable to doing that, but that still doesn't mean that i can't fly. That doesn't mean that I can't let myself go and feel God the way I mentioned earlier. I've wasted a lot of time in my life. I'm not about to do it again. God has already made up for a lot of that, though. He's rebuilt what i have destroyed, and tried to destroy.
I know I'm all over the place here, so welcome to my brain. And I'm boarding soon so I'm gonna wrap it up here. But with no real ending place. All I can say is there's an entire world out there that's calling for me . There's an endless hallway of doors that I can take.
I don't where I'm going from here, but I can promise you one thing. It won't be boring.
